FRIENDSHIP & HUMAN LOVE

If friendship and human love are to mature between any two persons, there must be absolute and honest mutual revelation; this kind of self-revelation can be achieved only through what we have called “gut-feelings” communication. There is no other way, and all the reasons which we adduce to rationalize our cover-ups and dishonesty must be seen as delusions. It would be much better for me to tell you how I really feel about you than to enter into the stickiness and discomfort of a phony relationship.

Dishonesty always has a way of coming back to haunt and trouble us. Even if I should have to tell you that I do not admire you or love you emotionally, but I do admire you but loving you emotionally is something I haven’t make a commitment too because like you said LOVE doesn’t exist in this world, but the Love I have for you is my friend relationships. It would be much better than trying to deceive you and having to pay the ultimate price of such deception, your greater hurt and mine (heartbroken). And you will have to tell me things, at times, that would be difficult for you to share. But really you have no choice, and, if I want your friendship, I must be ready to accept you as you are. If either of us comes to the relationship without determination of mutual honesty and openness, there can be no friendship, no growth; rather there can be only a subject-object kind of thing that is typified by adolescent bickering, pouting, jealousy, anger and accusations.

The classic temptation in this matter, and it would seem to be the most destructive of all delusion in this area of human relations, is this: we are tempted to think that communication of an unfavorable emotional reaction will tend to be divisive. If I tell you that it bothers me when you do something you are accustomed to do, I may be tempted to believe that it would be better not to mention it. Our relationship will be more peaceful. You wouldn’t understand anyways. So I keep it inside myself, and each time you do your thing my stomach keeps score until one day you do the same thing that you have always done and all hell break loose. All the while I was annoying you, I was keeping it inside and somewhere, secretly, you were learning to hate me. My good thoughts were turning to gall. When it finally erupted in one great emotional avalanche, you didn’t understand. You thought that this kind of reaction was totally uncalled for. The bonds of our love seemed fragile and about to break. And it all started when I said that “I love you” but it would be better not to say anything. The relationship will be more peaceful. That was all a delusion, and I shouldn’t have told you in the beginning. Now there has been an emotional divorce, all because I wanted to keep the peace between us.

(emotional openness and honesty)

I am simply not mature enough to enter into true friendship unless I realize that I cannot judge the intention or motivation of another. I must be humble and sane enough to bow before the complexity and mystery of a human being. If I judge you, I have only revealed my own immaturity and ineptness for friendship. Emotional candor does not ever imply a judgment of myself. For example, if I were to say, “I am ill at ease with you,” I have been emotional honest and at the same time have not implied in the least that it is your fault that I am ill at ease with you. Perhaps it is my own inferiority complex or exaggerated concept of your intelligence. I am not saying it is anyone’s fault, but simply giving a report of my emotional reaction to you at this time. If I were to say to you that I feel angry or hurt by something you have done or said, it remains the same. I have not judged you. Perhaps it is my own self-love that has made me so sensitive, or my inclination to paranoia. I am not sure, and, in most cases I can never be sure. To be sure would imply a judgment. I can only say for sure that this has been and is my emotional reaction.

If I were to tell you that something I do annoy you, again you would not be so arrogant as to think that my action would annoy anyone. I do not even mean that my action is any way wrong or offensive. I simply mean that here and now you experience annoyance towards me. Perhaps it is my headache or my digestion or the fact that I didn’t get any sleep last night. I really do not know. All that I know is this, that I am trying to tell you that I am experiencing my annoyance towards you at this moment. It probably be most helpful in most cases to preface our gut-feeling communication with some kind of a disclaimer to assure the other that there is no judgment implied. I might begin by saying, “I don’t know why this bothers me, but it does…I guess that I am just hypersensitive, and I really don’t mean to imply that it is your fault, but I do feel hurt by what you are saying.” Of course, the main thing is that there is in fact no judgment. If I am in the habit of judging the intentions or motivation of another, I should try very hard to outgrow this adolescent habit. I simply will not be able to disguise my judgments, no matter how many disclaimers I make. On the other hand, if I am really mature enough to refrain from such judgments, this too will eventually be apparent, if I really want to know the intention or motivation or reaction of another, there is only one way to find out: I must ask.