MY ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I want to express my deepest gratitude and admiration to all the mentors and exceptional humans whose words and actions inspired me over the years. I learned from them that hope is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is true that the challenges that lie ahead are vast, but so are our talents, empathies, and collective imagination. We will do what needs to be done, because anything else is UNTHINKABLE. I take my writing very seriously, telling a few friends that if I were to parish out of this world, I would want to have written my first wish to the ones I truly admired. (They gave me space to do it, maybe wary that I was having a premonition!) Anyways, I hope my writing is useful and empowering. if so, I'm delighted that we have made the climb together. What a phenomenal emotional of knowledge that we share online. I am thankful!

DEDICATION
Some people come into our lives for a brief moments, some people come into our lives for a longer moments, some people come into our lives to stay, but they all leave footprints in our hearts. Through out my journey I've encountered so many people in someway or another have impacted my life. To list one I had to list all, which would fill volumes, but knowing that their friendship with me has been INVALUABLE. What a journey I've had. Life certainly teaches us a lessons. God has continually blessed me in everyway, even in my moment of doubt.
To my ENEMIES! Thank you for making me a stronger person to handle life and conflicts to the highest of my abilities. The stronger you HATE the stronger you make me! I'm going to keep it short, sweet, and sexy cause that's just the way I am.

Thank You!
First I like to Thank God, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for many blessing and my belief In Buddism that I can't forget where I'm from; (Kampuchea, Cambodian, and Khmer) Believing in buddha teaches me the right of living and right of thinking from the Soul that is freed from Pain, Sorrow and desire.

Thank You to my Mom! Thank you so much for being my inspiration, for being my anchor in life, without you I am nothing and with you I have everything. Sorry to put you through the Pain and Agony when I left home at 18 yrs old. I was just trying to see if I could live my life on my own out in the real world. It was hard and it is to late for you to tell me now what life was really like to be on your own, I made the biggest mistake of my life and lost everything. When I got out from my SOLITARY CONFINEMENT, I had no place to go, and none of my friends wasn't there for me, so you pick me up from the streets and help me out to start anew, just like I'm your little new born baby once again. Thank You MOM for allowing me to express myself fully to you; never judge me and always been there supporting me through thick and thin; you'll never understand how much you mean to me because I was a coward to tell you so, but I'm here now to give back what was once long gone.

Thank You to my baby momma  for carrying her love for me for so long. I'm going to keep it short, sweet, and sexy cause that's just the way I am. Thank you for showing me the definition of LOVE, There are different phases; SWEET love, TOUGH love, sometimes love HURTs that cause by JEALOUSY, like a parent chastising their child. I've learned to VALUE love, no matter how it comes. Here is an advice to you; if you love someone so much, don't believe in RUMORS, see it with your own naked eyes, Breaking up with him was a mistake and now he's gone forever from your heart, I'm sending you my prayers wishing you with your new husband, and the kids well and prosper.
Take care!

Thank to all the people in California that got love for me I wish them Well and prosper for being there for me when I needed you the most!

Thank to all my friend in Texas state that I've lost contact and forgot to say farewell to all of you when I left back to lived in California! I hope to find you guy's when I decide to pay a visit the place once more!

Thank You to my lost friends that move to East Coast! we will run to eacther one day!

Thank to all them Hater's out there without you I would never been strong of a person as I am now! But still, Fuck You! (back stabbing bitches!)When you see me you better run and hide! Fucker's!

Thank to Myspace friends I miss you all! and you know who you are! No need to name drop! ! !

A HEART HAS NO ENDING

HEART HAS NO ENDING
There is no end of things in the heart. Somebody once told me that, she said it came from a poem she believed in. She understood it to mean that if you took something to heart, really brought it inside those red velvet folds, then it would always be there for you. No matter what happened. It would be there waiting. She said this could mean a person, a place, a dream, a mission, anything that is sacred. She told me that it is all connected in those secrets folds ALWAYS. It is all part of the same and will always be there, carrying the same beat as your heart. I am in my thirty’s and I believe it. At night when I try to sleep, but I can’t, that is when I know it. It is when all the pathways seem to connect and I see the people I have loved, and hated, and helped, and hurt. I see the hands that reach for me. I hear the beat and see and understand what I must do. I know my destiny and I know there is no turning away or turning back, and it is in those moments that I know that there is no end of things in the HEART. Instead I am dying inside, Any moment now I will never wake up to see my dreams come true. This is my last breath goodbye. But my HEART has no ending.

MY GREATEST KINDNESS

MY KINDNESS

The greatest kindness is the truth all that has been said in my writing would urge me to be open and truthful about myself, my thoughts and emotions. It has urged me to be honest with myself and with others. Nothing is taken back here. But it is absolutely necessary to realize that nothing in my writing asks me or justifies me in becoming a judge of others. I can tell you who I am, report my emotions to you with candor and honesty, and this is the greatest kindness I can extend to myself and to you. Even if my thoughts and emotions are not pleasing to you, it remains the greatest kindness to reveal myself openly and honestly. Insofar as I am able, I will try to be honest with myself and communicate myself honestly to you.
It is another thing to set myself up as judge of your delusions. This is playing God. I must not try to be the guarantor of your integrity and honesty: that is your work. I can only hope that my honesty with and about myself will empower you to be honest with and about yourself. If I can face and tell you my faults and vanities, my hostilities and fears, my secrets and my shames, perhaps you will be able to admit to your own and confide them to me, if you wish.
Trust is a two way street. If you will be honest with me, report your triumphs and tragedies, agonies and ecstasies to me, it will help me to face my own, and to become an integral person. I need your openness and honesty; you need mine without it my life would be full of emptiness. I promise that I will try. I know I have a long way to go, but I’m willing to give it a try. To tell you whom I really am.

MY IDEAS AND JUDGMENTS
My ideas and judgments, there is some communication of my person. I am willing to take this step out of my solitary confinement. I will take the risk of telling you some of my ideas and reveal some of my judgments and decisions. My communication usually remains under a strict censorship, however as I communicate my ideas, etc., I will be watching you carefully, I want to test the temperature of the water before I leap in, I want to be sure that you will accept me with my ideas, judgments, and decisions. If you raise your eyebrow or narrow your eyes, if you yawn or look at your watch, I will probably retreat to a safer ground. I will run for the cover of silence, or change the subject of conversation, or worse, I will start to say things I suspect that you want me to say. I will try to be what pleases you.
Someday, perhaps, when I develop the courage and the intensity of desire to grow as a person, I will spill all of the contents of my mind and heart before you. But still you can know only a little about my person, unless I am willing to advance to the next depth-level of self communication.
To refuse the invitation to interpersonal encounter is to be an isolated dot in the center of a great circle… a small island in a vast ocean.

People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never shared.

No one dared to disturb the sounds of silence.

We give nothing of ourselves and invite nothing from others in return. This is the fact about others… we do not step very far outside the prison of our prison of our loneliness into the real communication because we expose almost nothing of ourselves. We remain contented to others what so-and so has or done. We offer no personal, self-revelatory commentary on these facts, but simply report them. Just as most of us, at times, hide behind clichés, so we also seek shelter in gossip items, conversation pieces, and little narrations about others.

MY ESTRANGEMENT & ENCOUNTER

I

In spite of our willingness and reluctance to tell others who we are, there is in each one of us a deep and driving desire to be understood. It is clear to all of us that we want very badly to be loved, but, when we are not understood by those whose loved we need and want, any sort of deep communication becomes a nervous and uncomforting thing. It does not enlarge and enliven us. It becomes clear that no one can really love us effectively unless he or she really understands us. Anyone who feels that he or she is understood, however, will certainly feel that he or she is loved.

II

If there is no one who understands me and who accepts me for what I am, I will feel ESTRANGED. My talents and possessions will not comfort me at all. Even in the midst of many people, I will always carry within me a feeling of isolation and aloneness. I will experience a kind of SOLITARY CONFINEMENT. It is the LAW, as certain as the law of gravity, that he or she who is understood and loved will grow as a person; he or she who is estranged will die in his or her cell of solitary confinement, alone.

III

There are many things inside every one of us which we would like to share. All of us have our own secret past, our secret shames and broken dreams, our secret hopes. Over and against this need and desire to share theses secrets and to be understood, every one of us must weigh fear and risk. Whatever my secrets are, they seem, more than anything else, to be deeply and uniquely a part of me. No one has ever done the precise things that I have done, no one has ever thought my thoughts or dreamed my dreams. I am not sure that I could even find the words to share these things with another, but what I am even less sure of is this: how would they sound to other?

IV

The person who has a good self-image, who really and truly accepts himself, will be greatly helped at this time of dilemma. It is not very likely, however, that someone, who has never really shared himself, could have the support of a good self-image. Most of us have experience and done things, have lived with sensations and feelings, that we feel we would never dare tell another. To the others, I might appear deluded or even evil, ridiculous or vain. My whole life could appear as a hideous deceit.

V

A thousand fears keeps us in the solitary confinement of estrangement. In some of us there is the fear of breaking down, of sobbing like a child. Others of us feel restrained by the fear that the other person will not sense the tremendous importance of my secret to me. We usually anticipate how deep the pain would be if my secret were met with apathy, misunderstanding, shock, anger or ridicule. My confidant might become angry or reveal my secret to others for whom it was not intended.

VI

It may have happened that, at some point in my life, I took some part of me out of the darkness and placed it in the light for the eyes of another. It may be that she did not understand, and I ran full of regrets into a painful emotional solitude. Yet, there may have been other moments when someone heard my secret and accepted my confidence in gentle hands, I may remember what she said to assure me, the compassion in her voice, the understanding look in her eyes. I remember what those eyes look like. I remember how those hand took mine. I remember the gentle pressure that told me that I was understood.

VII

It is only through this kind of sharing that a person comes to know himself. Introspection of itself is helpless. A person can confide all of his secrets to docile pages of his personal diary, but he can know himself and experience the fullness of life only in the meeting with another person. Friendship becomes a great adventure, there is a continuously deeper discovery of myself and my friend, as we continue to be reveal new and deeper layers of ourselves. It opens my mind, widens my horizons, fills me with new awareness, deepens my feelings, gives my life meaning.

VIII

Yet the barriers are never permanently broken. Friendship and mutual self-revelation have a newness about them with each new day, because being a human person involves daily change and growth. My friend and I are growing, and differences are becoming more apparent. We are not growing into the same person, but each into his own. I discover in my friend other tastes and preferences, other feelings and hopes, other reaction to new experiences. I discover that this business of telling her who I am cannot be done once and for all. I must continually tell you who I am and you must continually tell me who you are, because both of us are continually evolving.

IX

It may be that the very things which first attracted me to you now seem to work against communication. In the beginning, your sentiment seemed to balance off my more intellectual inclinations; your extroverted ways complemented my introversion; your realism counter-balanced my artistic intuition. It seemed like an ideal friendship. We seemed like separate halves that needed each other to become whole. But now, when I want you to share my intellectual vision, I am annoyed that you take no interest in my objective arguments of reason. Now, when I want to show you that you are not logical in your sentiment, it does not seem to matter to you at all. In the beginning we seemed to fit together so well. Now your desire to go out to others and my more introverted inclinations which seek solitude seem to be divisive.

X

Of course, our friendship can still be. We are standing within arms’ reach of that which is most humanly rewarding and beautiful. We must not turn back now. We can still share all the things we once shared with such excitement, when I first told you who I was and you told me who you were; only our sharing will be deeper because we are deeper. If I will continue to hear you with the same sense of wonder and joy as I did in the beginning, and you will hear me in this way, our friendship will grow firmer and deeper roots. The tinsel of our first sharing will mellow into gold. We can and will be sure that there is no need to hide anything from each other, that we have shared everything.I am continually experiencing the ever-growing, ever-new reality of you, and you are experiencing the reality of me. And, through each other, we are together experiencing the reality of life.

XI

“LIKE GOD, WHO ONCE SAID IT IS NOT GOOD FOR A MAN TO BE ALONE “

XII
YOUR SLIGHTEST LOOK EASILY WILL UNCLOSE METHOUGH I HAVE CLOSED MYSELF AS FINGERS,YOU OPEN ALWAYS PETAL BY PETALMYSELF AS SPRING OPENS(TOUCHING SKILLFULLY, MYSTERIOUSLY)YOUR FIRST ROSE

A TOUCHING HEART

I met this girl, she is one unique person that I ever met. She is very sophisticated to somewhat enthusiast and very intellectual by her explanation that she express. Her writing admire me spontaneously! I find it to be very impressive and fascinating. I hope she find the time and energy to write more because I want to rectify myself in my writing to impress her as much she impressed me. I have finally found someone who have mutual interest in each other and I find that to be very romantic and enthusiastically. We have the distance between us are entirely Heartbreaking. She is someone who I'm longing to be with for the rest of my life! It is like the tale sad love story that never ends! As much as I want to be there next to her and to comfort her for the lost time that we haven't had together. Now all those dreams has faded into thin air. What an encounter experienced so touching at first.

This is my remarks about what I have read about her. Her Biographies and Poetries writing ETC... admire me! How can I not resisted myself from reading it. I enjoy her inspiration, it is remarkable and extraordinary, I love it!

 YOU ARE!

You are optimistic and hopeful by nature; you are both pragmatic and a romantic at the same time.

Your are impulsive and sometimes take risks when you take that chance of pulling it off.

Outweigh the possible failure!........!........!

You are passionate and proud; you stand very firmly on issues that you truly believe in.

Unrelentless and driven; you are willing to work very hard when you have to.

While not an angry person by nature, you can be hot-tempered when things aren't going your way!.....!....!

You are driven and focused; you know what you want in life and importantly you know how to get it. You always been striving in hard work and perfectionist, you understand that there is no substitute to hard work in life!....!.....!

You are bright and cheerful ; you are always smiling and add a smile to the face of all those that know you. Chirpy and talkative for the most part, you are outgoing, social and extroverted, a largely happy person on both outside and the inside - may you always remain the same!...!...!

You are a complete paradox as a person - innocent yet experienced; fragile, yet strong on the inside; normal yet unique; creative, yet organized; optimistic, yet realistic! Certainly a very interesting person, you possess several qualities that people often thought were mutually exclusive.

Enterprising and creative; you see things that most people fail to even dream about, you see the world from a unique perspective and that gives you a natural advantage in most regards. Talented to be the point of being almost prodigal, one can only hope that you utilize your talent and make something great of your life.

You are who you are! if you can believe in one thing that could change your ways in life there's other things to believe in that can change your way of life, all you got to do is strive! Cute and Charming as I prefer to thy beautiful picture of her and her friends!

You are immensely popular and well liked by all those around you. Bubbly and vivacious, you are the life of the party and everyone wants to be like you! I can imagine that you are so impulsive and unpredictable person that I ever could of imagine!

You are awesome to be around as no one knows what exactly to be expect! You kept your friends guessing including me and entertained with your unique perspective on everything around you! Different in every sense of the word! you are so widely loved and respected! Keep up the good work! 

FRIENDSHIP & HUMAN LOVE

If friendship and human love are to mature between any two persons, there must be absolute and honest mutual revelation; this kind of self-revelation can be achieved only through what we have called “gut-feelings” communication. There is no other way, and all the reasons which we adduce to rationalize our cover-ups and dishonesty must be seen as delusions. It would be much better for me to tell you how I really feel about you than to enter into the stickiness and discomfort of a phony relationship.

Dishonesty always has a way of coming back to haunt and trouble us. Even if I should have to tell you that I do not admire you or love you emotionally, but I do admire you but loving you emotionally is something I haven’t make a commitment too because like you said LOVE doesn’t exist in this world, but the Love I have for you is my friend relationships. It would be much better than trying to deceive you and having to pay the ultimate price of such deception, your greater hurt and mine (heartbroken). And you will have to tell me things, at times, that would be difficult for you to share. But really you have no choice, and, if I want your friendship, I must be ready to accept you as you are. If either of us comes to the relationship without determination of mutual honesty and openness, there can be no friendship, no growth; rather there can be only a subject-object kind of thing that is typified by adolescent bickering, pouting, jealousy, anger and accusations.

The classic temptation in this matter, and it would seem to be the most destructive of all delusion in this area of human relations, is this: we are tempted to think that communication of an unfavorable emotional reaction will tend to be divisive. If I tell you that it bothers me when you do something you are accustomed to do, I may be tempted to believe that it would be better not to mention it. Our relationship will be more peaceful. You wouldn’t understand anyways. So I keep it inside myself, and each time you do your thing my stomach keeps score until one day you do the same thing that you have always done and all hell break loose. All the while I was annoying you, I was keeping it inside and somewhere, secretly, you were learning to hate me. My good thoughts were turning to gall. When it finally erupted in one great emotional avalanche, you didn’t understand. You thought that this kind of reaction was totally uncalled for. The bonds of our love seemed fragile and about to break. And it all started when I said that “I love you” but it would be better not to say anything. The relationship will be more peaceful. That was all a delusion, and I shouldn’t have told you in the beginning. Now there has been an emotional divorce, all because I wanted to keep the peace between us.

(emotional openness and honesty)

I am simply not mature enough to enter into true friendship unless I realize that I cannot judge the intention or motivation of another. I must be humble and sane enough to bow before the complexity and mystery of a human being. If I judge you, I have only revealed my own immaturity and ineptness for friendship. Emotional candor does not ever imply a judgment of myself. For example, if I were to say, “I am ill at ease with you,” I have been emotional honest and at the same time have not implied in the least that it is your fault that I am ill at ease with you. Perhaps it is my own inferiority complex or exaggerated concept of your intelligence. I am not saying it is anyone’s fault, but simply giving a report of my emotional reaction to you at this time. If I were to say to you that I feel angry or hurt by something you have done or said, it remains the same. I have not judged you. Perhaps it is my own self-love that has made me so sensitive, or my inclination to paranoia. I am not sure, and, in most cases I can never be sure. To be sure would imply a judgment. I can only say for sure that this has been and is my emotional reaction.

If I were to tell you that something I do annoy you, again you would not be so arrogant as to think that my action would annoy anyone. I do not even mean that my action is any way wrong or offensive. I simply mean that here and now you experience annoyance towards me. Perhaps it is my headache or my digestion or the fact that I didn’t get any sleep last night. I really do not know. All that I know is this, that I am trying to tell you that I am experiencing my annoyance towards you at this moment. It probably be most helpful in most cases to preface our gut-feeling communication with some kind of a disclaimer to assure the other that there is no judgment implied. I might begin by saying, “I don’t know why this bothers me, but it does…I guess that I am just hypersensitive, and I really don’t mean to imply that it is your fault, but I do feel hurt by what you are saying.” Of course, the main thing is that there is in fact no judgment. If I am in the habit of judging the intentions or motivation of another, I should try very hard to outgrow this adolescent habit. I simply will not be able to disguise my judgments, no matter how many disclaimers I make. On the other hand, if I am really mature enough to refrain from such judgments, this too will eventually be apparent, if I really want to know the intention or motivation or reaction of another, there is only one way to find out: I must ask.

FEAR 2 TELL U WHO I AM

Our words, communication, refers to a process by which someone or something is made common, that is, it is shared. If you tell me a secret, then you and I possess the knowledge of your secret in common, and you have communicated it to me, but you have much more to communicated to me, if you wish to, than merely one of yours secrets. You can tell me who you are, just as I can tell you who I am.
In our society today, we have placed a great stress on being authentic. We have talked about placing a mask over the face of our REAL selves, and of playing roles which disguise our true and real selves. The implication is that somewhere, inside of you and inside of me, lurk our real selves. Supposedly, this real self is a static and formed reality. There are moments when this real self of mine shines out of me, and there are other moments when I feel compelled to camouflage my real self. There is perhaps some justification for this manner of speaking, but I think that it can be more misleading than helpful. There is no fixed, true and real person inside of you or me, precisely because being a person necessarily implies becoming a person, being in process. If I am anything as a person, it is what I...

Think

Judge

Feel
Value
Honor
Esteem
Love
Hate
Fear
Desire
Hope for
Believe in
And I am committed to.
These are the things that define my person, and they are constantly in process, in the process of change. Unless my mind and heart are hopelessly barricaded, all these things that define me as a person are forever changing. My person is not a little hard core inside of me. A little fully-formed statue that is real and authentic, permanent and fixed person rather implies a dynamic process. In other words, if you knew me yesterday, please don’t think that is the same person that you are meeting today. I have experience more of life, I have encountered new depths in those I love, I have suffered and prayed, and I am different. Please do not give me a batting average, fixed and irrevocable, because I am "in there" constantly, taking my swings at the opportunities of daily living. Approach me, then, with a sense of wonder, study my face and hands and voice for the signs of changed, for it is certain that I have change. But even if you recognize this, I may be somewhat afraid to tell you who I am. If I expose my nakedness as a person to you-do not make me feel shame. I can help you to accept and open yourself mostly by accepting and revealing myself to you. I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it’s all that I have.
It reflects something of the imprisoning fears and self-doubt which cripple most of us and keep us from forward movement on the road to maturity, happiness, and true love. I have tried to describe something of the human scars and pains which block the way to true love. They are the same scars, the same inner fears and pains, which block the way to true self-communication, on which love is built. We do want to describe here something of how the scars and the defenses, which we use to protect ourselves from further vulnerability, tend to form patterns of action and reaction eventually become so self-deceptive that we forfeit all sense of identity and integrity. We act ROLES, wear MASKS, and play GAMES. None of us wants to be a fraud or to live a lie; none of us want to be a sham, a phony, but the fears that we experience and the risks that honest self-communication would involve seem so intense to us that seeking refuge in our roles, masks, and games becomes an almost natural reflex action. After awhile, it may even be quite difficult for us to distinguish between what we really are, at any given moment in our development as persons, and what we pose as being. It is such a universally human problem that we might justifiably call it human condition. It is at least, the condition in which most of us find ourselves and the point of our departure towards growth, integrity, and love.
It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need humans have to be really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood.
Modern psychology has brought it very much to our attention. At very heart of all psychotherapy is this type of relationship in which one can tell everything, just like a child will tell all to his mother.No one can develop freely in this world and find a full life without feeling understood by at least one person .....He who would see himself clearly must open up to a confidant freely chosen and worthy of trust.This is my writing about my thoughts and inspiration that I want to express to you